Who am I? What am I called to do with my life? What do I want to be when I grow up? When the question of vocation comes up even at 46 I still try to find an answer for my life. I once wrote a list I titled ‘Who is Theresa?’ It was a list of the things I thought defined who I was at the time. It was almost childish but it was in my understanding at the time a definition of Theresa. I belonged to a young adult prayer group for all of my 20’s and well into my 30’s. My Best Friend was a Catholic Priest, a friendship that had begun in his first years in the seminary and had lasted through thick and thin. One of the last things on the list was my Job. I had been there for my entire adult working career.
No longer a young adult myself, I wondered if I should leave the group, it was slowly aging and filling with married with children that had bed times on a school night. It was finally decided, the group changed, some would merge for a while with other groups, and some carried on but this piece of who I was for the last 19 years was gone. I was left with emptiness and a searching.
Not long after that my world felt like it was coming apart. In the midst of it all my ‘Best’ friend stopped talking to me. I can surmise that he was struggling and hurting and our friendship was too heavy for him to carry in the midst of his own crisis. But for me it was one of the most difficult times in my life. I came unglued. I wonder now years later just how close I came to becoming a stalker. I think I stood at the edge of that line and finally stepped back and walked away. I still gaze over my shoulder at times but I have learned from that experience. I have spent time removing physical, emotional and spiritual pieces of that friendship from my life. I didn’t throw it all always but slowly I extricated the vines and thorns, twigs, bits of paper, burrs and threads that I had woven into the fabric of my life.
Two weeks ago my 24 years of employment ended and I was left to face that last piece that defined me. It crumpled in a moment that felt like a joke at first but as I packed up those years into boxes and the bosses loaded them into my car I cried from the depth of my heart. That weekend as I sat with Mom helping me I went through another piece of my life. Some was given, some was thrown and some was packed away for another day.
It’s an amazing thing when you start pulling such major things from your life and wonder will anything be left, will I be left when it’s all over? And underneath it all you find you are there. There is a person with hopes, dreams, creativity, ideas, plans that was always there and can not be taken away when a title changes, a job is lost, a friend is gone from your life.
Vocation is a funny and arguable word. Defined in the strictest church language single life is not a vocation. Marriage, Priesthood, Religious life or a form of a Consecrated life is but being single isn’t. Maybe there isn’t a word for my type of life. But as I write this I have to say I don’t feel any less called. In fact because I don’t have anyone telling me what to do I have to listen ever more closely to the voice of God in my life. Believe me when I say that God speaks to me, sometimes through other people or things. But sometimes it is clear and almost audible. It’s a soundless voice in my own mind but it’s different and separate imbued with a deep sense of the presence of the Holy Spirit within my being. I know I am not alone at that moment and I know I can know and separate that voice from my own.
Call me crazy if you want but I don’t think I am. I think I have a Vocation to live life “available”. Like the image that St. Therese had of being Jesus’ little ball waiting for Him to play with her. I am available for God to use. As I look at those words I realize there could be a bit of a negative connotation to that concept. I’m more than just an object a possession. I am a child, a creation, a beloved to the one who loves perfectly.
I see an image of a great King who has sent his great warriors into battle, with servants to do his bidding in the kingdom and in the castle. He seems to have it all covered. I look around wondering what role I will have, He turns to me and I look to Him and say “What would you have me do?”
He doesn’t think about it. He simply smiles and says. “I want you to stay here near me and just be available.”
The first years of this calling I searched and searched for an answer different then that one. I offered to be a missionary, dreamed of being a parent and raising holy children who dedicating their lives to God. I thought of religious life and a church related career. Still the answer came back, “I want you to be available, to be here near me.”
I waited for him to send me on a mission, call me to some great quest or duty. I thought I was called to be a great teacher or a healer. But his errands are generally very small. Sometimes it’s as small as a smile or a kind word. It’s taking notice of people and seeing them. His requests are gentle, yet sometimes quite persistent. They come in the form of an internal nudge to notice the pharmacist’s assistant’s feather colored hair and tell her how nice it looks today. It’s a little bigger at times like sitting in the emergency room for over 6 hours with my Sister or moving furniture and my living space around for my nieces to be able to move in on their weekends with my Brother.
Often woman religious refer to them selves as the Bride of Christ. But I found a different way to express who I am in the church. Saint Peter’s a Franciscan church is in the heart of the Loop, in Chicago. Outside as you come up to the church it is sandwiched between office buildings. The closer you get you realize you are looking at Jesus Crucified sticking out of the façade of the church. Inside this beautiful church almost hidden in midst the Windy City there is a wonderful statue of Saint Anthony. He is not holding the child Jesus but he has his arms outstretched to the toddler Jesus running to him his arms reaching in response. In that place and that moment I conceived the one true calling I have in life, the vocational title I have gained is that of “Auntie Theresa.” It comes with 4 nephews and 3 nieces but it extends outward to my cousins children and the little ones and even the adults I come in contact with each day. It’s part of my relationship with Jesus.
Imagine introducing yourself as the Aunt of Jesus the Christ. It’s a way of living life. It’s a generous helping of my namesake’s Little Way with a cup of Blessed Teresa of Calcutta added it… even a bit of Theresa of Avila’s interior Castle and life of prayer have snuck in. It’s a bit of a lot of things like Corrie Ten Boom, Jimmy Cagney and a little girl named Nancy.
The calling has formed and evolved as the years go by. Doors have not fully closed. I think of Marriage still and at times religious life looks appealing but no matter the path we travel the truest essence of my own calling is that I am called to be available to be there for God, almost like a spiritual Concierge at times. I am a staff member of the Kingdom of God, I’m in charge of special services. Instead of assisting guests or residents I am on had when God needs someone to make a call, lend an ear or bring an idea inspired by the Holy Spirit to a planning meeting. Delivering messages via phone calls, cards, emails or those serendipitous moments when the person God has been nudging me about shows up right in my path. I may not make reservations for tours but I am there planning events, where children and adults alike have an opportunity to grow with vision and creativity. To know they have Auntie Theresa there who truly sees them and brings the arms of God to hold them.
I’m not sure what the future will hold for me. Who am I is a living breathing changing concept not a list of things I do. As I write my resume, give a call to a friend; meet someone new I am openly living my Vocation, ‘Auntie Theresa, Close at hand, available for God!’
